Leaving
by halona
Summary: The days after James and Lily's death, their friends are left behind to pick up the pieces and make sense of their changed lives.
1. Leaving

****

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the characters Aurora and Christine.

A/N: Well, here you go, this is Aurora's story. Please review!

Leaving

"Auri, Auri wake up!" I roll over, trying to knock away Christine's hand that's shaking my shoulder. Can't she see that I'm trying to sleep? And what's she doing barging into my room? Sirius and I could be naked in here!

"Chris, sod off. Can't you see I'm trying to sleep? It's the middle of the night!" I immediately sit up and notice Sirius' absence. I'm suddenly reminded of something that my grandmother told me years ago, "bad things always happen in the middle of the night." 

"What happened? What's wrong Chris?" I have this feeling that whatever it is that's got her so upset will affect my life drastically and I wish she'd just spit it out.

"It's Lily and James. Oh Auri, they're dead!" Chris bursts into a fresh set of tears as this information hits me like a brick wall. We just saw them a few hours ago. Lily had said that even though they were in hiding, it didn't mean they couldn't celebrate Halloween. I suddenly feel a wave of nausea and a burst of adrenaline all at once. I know there's nothing we can do now, but I have to do something to stop this feeling of helplessness. 

"Where are Sirius and Remus? Chris, listen to me! Where are they?" I realize I'm yelling at her and that it's not her fault, but I have to get through to her somehow. She's distraught; it doesn't take a genius to figure that out. I think the only reason I'm not bawling as well is that I'm still in shock.

"Sirius went to the house to – to see if there was anything to be done. And Remus went to Dumbledore." 

"Get dressed. Quickly. We're going to the house." I tell her and reach for some clothes myself. I pause when I think of Harry. "Wait, what about Harry? Is he dead too?" Chris gives me this astonished look and I can tell that she hasn't even thought about him yet. I don't blame her, poor girl just figured that if James and Lily were dead, he would be too

"I – I'm not sure. The letter from Dumbledore just said Lily and James. Do you think he could be alive?" 

"I'm not sure. I can't even let myself hope for it. But anything's possible, right?" 

When we get to the house, we find it swarming with Ministry officials and the Dark Mark glittering ominously overhead. I can't help but shudder at the sight of it. I've seen it far too often lately. I can feel tears blur my vision for the first time tonight. The wooden door to the little house is in splinters and a Ministry official was trying to rope off the scene. I push past the man, Christine clinging to my arm with a death grip.

"Hey, you can't go in there!" Someone shouts after us. I ignore them and keep walking. I have to see. I have to know if at least Harry survived. 

As we step past the remains of the front door, I can't help but notice the lack of disrepair. Except for the door and a shattered plate, the living room of James and Lily's house is just as I saw it earlier tonight. We move back to the bedrooms and enter the nursery on the right. Harry's room is full of toys from his over-indulgent godfather. I pick up one of his teddy bears that he always slept with and hug it to me.

"I hope he's alive." Chris croaks out next to me. 

"How good could his life be now that his parents are dead? If he is alive, he won't even remember them." I say. Lily's son won't even remember her. I glance at Chris and I can see that she's thinking the same thing. It shouldn't have happened like this. Not for them. Not for anyone. 

"I guess that's what we're here for." I can't respond in any other way than nodding sadly. I look up and see a Ministry official standing in the doorway.

"Is he alive? Is Harry alive?" I asked him. I realize I'm waiting for the deathblow. For someone to gravely shake their head and tell me what a shame it is. That's when I'll let myself break down, but not before then.

"Yes. Somehow, when the Dark Lord tried to kill him, the curse rebounded and hit him instead. We're not sure what happened to him. He might be dead, but if he's not, his powers are seriously weakened." I'm shocked, elated, and exhausted all at once. The man lets us absorb that information before telling us we have to leave. 

At home, we sit in silence for what seemed like forever. Neither of us are used to being quiet for very long, but I don't think I can talk about this yet. For just a little while longer I'd like to pretend that this didn't happen; that two of my friends haven't just been murdered in their home. 

At around noon the next day, Remus finally walks through the door. He looks like a living corpse and I have to resist the urge to run to a mirror. It's amazing that even after the night I've just had I can still worry about how I look. Chris runs to give him a hug and I watch for a moment as he holds her. 

"Where's Sirius?" I ask him quietly after giving him a hug of my own. I had figured that since he didn't come home that he had gone to Dumbledore with Remus.

"Running from the Ministry I would expect," he said darkly. 

"What are you talking about?" I ask, puzzled. What the hell is he talking about? You can practically feel the hate and betrayal radiating off of him.

"He was their Secret-Keeper. The only way that Voldemort could have found James and Lily is if Sirius told him." 

"What?! Remus, I can't believe you said that. You know that Sirius would _die_ before betraying them. And I refuse to believe that he would do so." I can see it in his eyes. He wants to believe that Sirius is innocent, but he's too logical. He won't let himself believe that. 

"Then where is he Aurora? He's not here grieving with us, he's not holding Harry in his arms and telling him everything will be okay. He's running for his life because his master can no longer protect him. He was the traitor and he'll rot in Azkaban for it." He's nearly shouting at me and I can feel my temper rise.

"I refuse to believe that he would do that. Just like I refuse to believe that you or Chris or Peter would betray them." I was about to go on, but the thought of Peter made me cut short. We haven't seen him all night. "Where's Peter? Has anyone tried to contact him?"

"Dumbledore tried, but he wasn't home. He thinks that Peter tried to go after Sirius." Remus tells me. He's got this stubborn look on his face; practically daring me to say that Sirius is innocent one last time. That's it, I can't deal with this. I just head up to my room, stomping as much as possible. I know I'm acting like a two-year-old, but I don't care. Christine follows me. I try to shut her out of the room, but she comes in anyway.

"Aurora, we need to talk about this. You can't just shut yourself up on the issue. James and Lily are dead and God knows where Sirius and Peter are. It's just the three of us left now. I want to believe what you say, but you have to see that all evidence points to his guilt." Chris reasons. I refuse to look at her. Only three of us left? Sirius isn't dead! And he sure as hell isn't guilty.

"Chris, I know that he looks guilty, but I know _him_. And I know that he would never do that. Sirius would rather die a thousand deaths than work for Voldemort. You know it." 

"I know that something doesn't fit. But it's the only possible way that Voldemort could have found them. Just for the record, I don't want to believe it, I really don't. But I have to. The facts are staring me in the face and there's really nothing else to believe. Maybe tomorrow will give us something else to believe, but for now, this is it." She tells me. I've never liked admitting defeat. Even over the slightest thing. But right now, I 'm too tired to argue. I just nod and tell her we'll talk some more later. Right now, we all need sleep.

I wake up the next morning at about nine. Remus and Christine are already downstairs. They look even worse than yesterday. Remus wordlessly hands me the Daily Prophet and stalks out of the kitchen. I look down and the headline is enough to make me weak in the knees. I sink down into a chair and read the whole article. 

"Now do you believe that he's guilty? He killed Peter and I have to believe that he betrayed James and Lily as well." Chris says. Her voice has a flat tone. There's nothing in the words, no emotion.

"I don't know. I don't know what to believe. Everything's just a muddle of colors and sounds right now. Do you know what happened to Harry?" 

"Dumbledore said that he took them to Lily's sister, but he wouldn't tell us where she lived. He wants him to stay away from the wizarding world until it's time for him to go to Hogwarts. I suppose it makes sense, but he's going to grow up not knowing a thing about his parents. "

"He has to stay with that bitch? I remember all of the stories Lily told us about her. She hates anything to do with magic and supposedly her husband is even worse." I stop my ranting and shake me head to clear my thoughts. "But there's nothing that we can do about it though, is there?" Christine just shakes her head sadly. We sit in silence for a few moments before Christine speaks again.

"So what now? Do we just go on with our lives? Because of Sirius, we lost four of our friends in two days, including him." 

"No. Because of _Voldemort_ we lost four friends in two days. I'm not saying Sirius is completely innocent, but if that power-hungry jackass had never risen to power eleven years ago, none of this would have happened. I blame it all on that sorry excuse for a human being."

"Aurora, how can you deny it now? He killed thirteen innocent people, including Peter!" Remus exclaims. I turn and see that he's been listening by the door.

"I'm aware of that Remus! Quit treating me like an idiot!"

"I will when you stop acting like one! He killed Peter and he betrayed James and Lily to Voldemort. There's no denying that now." He stopped yelling and sat down across from me. There was silence for a few minutes as we all just sat, not looking at each other. I have never heard such a loud silence. It seemed to echo across the table and bounce off the rather enormous elephant hovering above us. 

"I need to leave." I tell them.

"Yeah, maybe you should go for a walk. It'll help clear your mind." Chris says. I know she's just trying to be helpful, but her voice grates on my nerves.

"No, I mean really leave. I don't think I can live here anymore."

"You want to move out?" Remus asks, shocked. "Have we really reached that point?"

"I can't make you believe that Sirius is innocent and I don't want to believe that he's guilty. If I continued to live here, things would just go from bad to homicidal."

"What about our shop? I can't run it by myself." Chris says.

"I know. We've been doing really well lately and I had been thinking about hiring someone else to help fill the orders. I could sell my half of the business to you and I think you should hire someone to manage the books. After business is a bit stronger, you can hire an assistant for your potions work."

"You've really thought this out," comments Christine. 

"I couldn't really sleep last night and I think I just need to get out of here. Maybe, even leave the country. I need to go somewhere where no one's even heard the name Voldemort." I tell them. I think I know what I'm doing. I hope I do anyway.

"Well, you've really thought through what you need," Remus says acidly.

"Remus, don't. I'm not totally abandoning you guys. I'll stay for as long as I need to and make sure that everything is in order." I say wearily. I do feel like I'm abandoning them, but I have to get away from this. 

"So what are you going to do once everything's settled?" Christine asks. She looks hurt that I'm leaving our little shop behind. It was like our baby. I'll miss that shop. 

"I think I want to go to New York. For now, I'll be at my parents' house." Of course, I haven't had a chance to ask my Mum yet, but I hardly think that she'll turn me away.

"You're insane. Do realize that you've finally flipped your lid?" Christine says. I just nod. If anything could make me crazy, it would be these past two days.

"Will you write to us?" She asks.

"Of course. I couldn't bear not keeping in touch with you. I'll need to hear all the gossip and I'll want to know how everything is going. And eventually, I might even come back. But I think that's only going to happen if Voldemort rises again."

"So you don't think he's dead?" Remus asks.

"No. I don't think he's human enough to die. But if he comes back, I'll be the first one in line to kick his arse." Chris cracks a half smile at that.

"And we'll be right behind you, along with 30,000 other people."

****

As I knock on the door of my parents' house, I'm filled with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I feel like a little kid who wants her mummy to kiss her boo-boo away. The kind face of my mother is revealed as the door opens and when she sees me waiting on the stoop, simply opens her arms for me and whispers kind words. 

I let myself cry until I am spent and then Mum leads me up to my old room. The funeral is tomorrow and I hardly hear her say that she'll iron my dress for me. I just crash onto my old lavender and blue bedspread and fall into a fitful sleep. 

Funerals are always a lot of crying and hugging and talk of "what a tragedy," but never so much as this one. It seems as though anyone James or Lily accidentally bumped into on the street is here, as well as all of the Hogwarts professors, friends, co-workers, and Hogwarts acquaintances. Dumbledore looks especially upset. After I gave a _very _short speech for my friends, I tried to stand off by myself, but Professor McGonagall followed me. I know she has something important to say to me, but I don't really feel like talking. She can wait until after the service.

"Aurora, I want you to know something." Or not. "I just wanted to tell you that you can come to me for anything. I know that you're hurting because Sirius is in Azkaban. I will never forgive Crouch for not granting him a trial." McGonagall sounded on the brink of tears. "I was always harsh with him at Hogwarts and now - now he's in that terrible place."

I can't help but stare in disbelief at this woman who I had always respected, but had more than once cursed for giving me punishment for some wrongdoing. Does she really believe that Sirius is innocent?

"Professor, do you really think that Sirius could be innocent?" I can hardly dare to hope that someone else could be on my side.

"Well we'll never know now, will we? For now, I prefer not to speak of the subject with my colleagues. It is certain that someone on the inside was a spy, but as for the spy's identity, I'm not quite sure."

"Thank you Professor. I needed to hear that." 

"Well, I also have a request. I heard that you are planning to move to America. I would like it very much if we kept up a correspondence. Also, please call me Minerva. I am no longer your professor and it makes me feel old." I give her a half smile and nod.

"I was actually planning to ask you if you would keep me up to date about Harry when gets to Hogwarts. I would like to know how he's doing right now, but unfortunately Lily's sister didn't even come to the funeral. I fear for him living in that household. Those muggles hate anything out of the ordinary and Harry is definitely not ordinary." I confide.

"I tend to agree, but we must trust Dumbledore's decision." She says. The funeral is beginning to break up now and I need to get out of here. 

I practically run to the designated spot and disapparate. I appear instantly on the northern coast of Scotland. Looming on the horizon is the island wizarding prison, Azkaban. Normally, people aren't allowed to visit the prison, so I'll have to say my good-bye from a distance.

"I'm leaving Sirius. I'll never believe that you're guilty and I'll never forget about you." I shake my head, feeling foolish for speaking out loud. I give one last glance at Azkaban before apparating home. If only Sirius knew that I believed in him…

****

I look around the dingy little apartment in disgust and pay the landlord in my newly changed muggle currency. The apartment may not look like much now, but after an afternoon of spell casting, it should be presentable. And it's in a great neighborhood. The wizarding area of New York is only a block away and the surrounding buildings are in pretty good shape, meaning I'm living in a fairly nice area. And because the apartment itself is in such disrepair, rent is low. Now all I need is a job. And as it turns out, when I was walking through Owens' Corner, New York's version of Diagon Alley, I saw several Help Wanted signs. As I set to getting rid of this horrid wallpaper, I think that while life still really sucks, it's really not as bad as I thought. 

Ugh, here goes nothing.

****

Well, what do you think? I really appreciate feedback. If this story sounds a bit familiar to you, it's probably because it was first published about eight months ago. But it was in the third person and Aurora went a little crazy. I didn't like that version so much, so I took it down and finally rewrote it. This is for Galya who wouldn't let me forget about it when life got a bit hectic. Go read her stories too; they're great! 


	2. ... but not really gone.

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A/N: This is Christine's story. Please, review, whether you like it or not. I need to know if I'm doing a good job or not. 

My best friend for the past ten years has just moved across an entire ocean because of an argument. Of course, it was a rather important argument, even if we're not exactly mad at each other. My thoughts are a bit muddled after the past few weeks. Halloween seems like an eon ago, but it's not even December yet. At least Auri stayed long enough for her birthday. It's just so strange not having her here. We lived together for ten years and now I can't even see her on a regular basis. Scratch that. I can't see her at all. She actually told me that I couldn't visit her. 

"Christine, I just think that it would be better if I had some time to settle myself before you visited. And maybe it's better if we don't see each other anyway. You know we'll only start talking about him again," she said.

"Him." That meant Sirius. I really don't know what to think about him. I'm torn between the two sides. Remus considers him a traitorous bastard and feels betrayed himself. Aurora refuses to accept that he could ever have betrayed our friends. 

I don't find it all that likely that Sirius was the traitor. How could he be? He was James' best friend and Harry's godfather. He adored that boy and his mother and loved James like a brother. Unfortunately, that's the only possibility, as unlikely as it is. One of the theories floating around is that Sirius wanted Lily and Harry for himself and betrayed them to Voldemort when he realized that he couldn't have them. Now _that_ is ridiculous. All anyone had to do is take a look at how Sirius was with Aurora and they'd know that wasn't true. 

Back to the subject of my negligent best friend. At least she stayed long enough to find a replacement in the shop. Sold me her half of the business for just enough to get her started in New York and left. I bet she thought she was being generous by selling it for less than half of its' worth. If she was really going to be thoughtful, she would have considered my feelings and stayed. All I have left now is that stupid shop and Remus.

Not that I'm knocking him. I love that bloody werewolf. But he's been nearly unbearable lately. First with the coldness towards Auri when she wouldn't see things his way, and then he started snapping at me for nothing. He rarely touches me now. Not that I've been exactly randy recently, but a little affection would be nice. When we do have sex, it's mechanical almost. It's just shagging and then sleeping on opposite sides of the bed. I understand that he's hurting, but doesn't he get that my heart's breaking over here? His call from downstairs breaks through my haze of self-pity and loathing for a moment and I go to meet him in the kitchen.

"You need to shave," are the first words out of my mouth when I see him. Not the best way to start a conversation, I realize, but I've never really been known for diplomacy. 

"Well, I could comment on the changes you need to make in your appearance, but I'm not really in the mood for a blazing row." His voice is cold and I mentally smack myself for being such an idiot. 

"All I meant was that you should take better care of yourself." I tell him meekly.

"Yes, well maybe if I had a bit more time on my hands, I would. As it is, I barely have enough time for a meal and a quick change of clothes before I have to get back to work." I sighed and resigned myself to yet another night alone.

"Why don't you go change and I'll fix you something to eat?" I offer. He nods and heads upstairs without another word. 

Remus' job, if you could call it that, is working as a research assistant to the head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. The job pays crap and I've always considered it an odd place for a werewolf to work, but Remus seems to think that he might be able to change the system from the inside. Or at least he did. He doesn't really care about much anymore. 

What I'm really worried about is that in two days is the full moon. It'll be the first time in seven years that he's transformed without his friends there. Even during the summers between school years, the boys would come out here and be with him during the full moon. I already know that I'm going to have to make some healing potions ready for him. I just don't even know what to do about him anymore. 

My sister owled me yesterday to ask if I could come and visit with her. Translation: "I need someone to baby-sit the children while I'm off pretending to like my husband. I don't like you very much either, but Mother won't do it, so you'll have to do for now." 

Sometimes I get an unbearably strong urge to punch Genevieve very hard on the nose. Never mind that she's got about six inches, ten years, and forty pounds on me. We take sibling rivalry to the extreme. At one point, she wouldn't let my niece and nephew see me because she thought that they were starting to like me more then they liked her. And of course Mum won't say anything to interfere. I love my mother very much, but I don't get why she won't just take my side for once. 

Despite all of this, I'm very seriously considering going back home for a while. I need to get away from this house. Also, I haven't seen Mum since before Lily's death and I think I need to have a good cry with her. There's nothing more therapeutic than crying to your mother. And as for Remus, I can't stand to be around him right now. I'll stay long enough to help him recover for the full moon, but after that, I think I'm going to go home for a long visit.

*****

Oh God. How could he do that to himself? He's got gashes all over his chest and burn marks on his hands and face. He must have thrown himself up against the silver bars on the inside of the door. He told me once that his father had to put them up all over the walls inside the hut because he had broken through the wall as a child. Thankfully, the house is pretty secluded and his parents had secured the house well. No one was hurt except Remus. When his father found him the next morning, he had a wooden stake sticking out of his leg. 

I've had to bandage Remus up before for minor things. Scratches from a wrestling match with Sirius and other stupid stuff. Seeing this, I realize how his parents must have felt during his first few transformations; absolutely helpless. 

Through my tears I notice Remus looking at me with the same look that's been on his face for days, resentment. Why can't this just stop? Why can't we just get over this? I'm not saying that we should pretend that it never happened, but we've got to get past this. I'm starting to wonder if it might be better to never come back from my trip to Ireland. 

Can I really leave him though? Just leave him here to fend for himself? I realize that he's not helpless. He's a full-grown and completely competent wizard. But if I left, then he would have no one left. When his parents died a few years ago, he went into a fit of depression. It took getting smacked around by the boys and a revelation that he wasn't really alone in the world as long as he had his friends to come back to his normal self. Well now I'm all he has left. Me, this rather empty house, and that crap job that he hates. Wow, I'd be depressed too. And without the money from the shop, I don't know if he'd be able to support himself. I would just give him the shop, but he can't make potions to save his life.

But the other question is, can I stay any longer knowing that it's only a matter of time before we start truly hating each other? It's true that he might hate me for leaving, but I would rather it be for leaving than for the way I talk or the way I squeeze toothpaste out of the tube. I don't want him to hate me because it's _me_, if that makes any sense. 

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I don't like seeing you hurt." 

"You don't have to do this. I'll heal on my own." 

"I don't mind."

"Well I do mind seeing you cry." I sigh and try wiping the tears away. 

"I'm going to visit Mum and Gen tomorrow."

"For how long?"

"I'm not sure. Probably a long time."

"Are you going to come back?" I look at him sharply. This is the first time in weeks that he's looked compassionate.

"I don't know." I wish I could just stop crying. I'm starting to get a headache and I can't think clearly. I collapse against him and weep harder. I know I'm hurting him a bit, but most of me just doesn't give a damn. He deserves it. He deserves to feel how much he hurts me. I think he realizes that because he hasn't made a move except to put an arm round me.

"I don't want to hate you, Remus. And I couldn't stand it if you hated me." I tell him.

"Me neither. And this isn't just going to fix itself."

"No, it's not. And I don't know how to fix it either." 

"God, we're doomed aren't we?"

"Just a little bit." I almost laugh at how ridiculous we sound. How can two people love each other as we do and still not make it work? Whatever happened to only needing love? Well, that statement needs to be amended. All you need is love _and a stable mind._

*****

Last night we made love. It was the first time in weeks, and it'll be the last time for a very long time. Maybe forever. When I showed up on Gen's doorstep this morning, I think she understood everything that I was going through. Either that or she couldn't stand to criticize me while I looked that depressed. She just helped me haul in my life off the stoop and held me while I cried. Later, Mum came over and it was like one huge cry-fest. They listened to my whole, sad tale and commented on it without criticism. They let me cry and fed me chocolate. And then they both wept over the men in their lives. 

Mum cried over the man she didn't marry and the death of the man she did. Actually, we all cried over Dad. And then Gen told us all about how horrible and unloving Ian was to her. And how she still couldn't help but love him because he had given her two beautiful children. I'm beginning to think that all of the women in out family are cursed in love. I almost wish that we were. Then I would have something other than myself to blame for this.

*****

Dear Remus,

I'm more or less settled in here. I hadn't realized how much I missed Ireland. I think I miss you and the shop more though. Galway will never really feel like home again. How is everything back there? I hope you're doing well and your boss isn't being too much of a bigot. Really, I think you should just threaten to eat him the next time he makes a remark. Speaking of which, are you eating well? Ugh, I've been picking up habits from my mother. But really, I worry about you. How was your last transformation? And don't you dare hold anything back! I want to know if you get hurt. Genevieve is back to being a pain, but Oriana and Benny (it seems that he hates the name Benedict as much as I do) are just angels. It seems that Mum spread word that I was a "fantastic potions maker." I've had about a thousand requests since I got here. So as you can see, life is awful. Honestly, I may seem happier, but I can't begin to tell you how much I miss being at home with you. Write back soon, I want to hear how you're doing.

With love,

Christine

*****

Dear Christine,

Well, since things are so terrible, you should come home. Right now. Really, apparate home this instant. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you. This house is too empty without everyone coming in and out at all hours of the day. I've been spending most of my time at work, just trying to bury myself in it I guess. And as tempting as eating Mr. Nelson sounds, it wouldn't be very practical. What would I do for a job then? But oh, how very tempting… I think all that time around your mother is rotting your brain. If you tell me to put on a coat in your next letter, I'm coming and getting you. As for that wench you call a sister, ignore her, steal her darling children away from her and run off to Mexico or some other place very far away. Is she still bugging you about a potion to make her husband sick? She does know that poisoning is illegal, right? And have you thanked your mother for being an insufferable gossip? You know very well that you would be bored out of your skull if you didn't have something to do, even if it is curing someone's rash in an unmentionable place. Well, I have to go. Mr. Nelson is being as demanding as ever and he wants me to research "that one goblin rebellion in the sixteenth century." As if that narrowed it down at all. Write back soon.

Love,

Remus

*****

Remus,

Don't think I didn't realize that you didn't answer my question. What happened last week? Don't think that just because I left, you can keep those things from me. I want to know how you're doing. As for my sister, yes, she is a raving lunatic who wants to poison her husband. I threw my seventh year potions book at her and told her to do it herself. That shut her up for a little while at least. I would be a little bit more grateful towards my mother if she wasn't constantly standing over my shoulder and criticizing my technique. I swear, one more comment and I'm going to dunk her head in the cauldron. And as for _dear_ Mr. Nelson, you should tell him to go screw himself. Just tell him to research his own damned work and walk out. You can find a better job than that. You're much too smart to work for a prejudiced, former Death Eater. You'll have to pardon the anger radiating from this letter, but I'm just a little frustrated right now.

Christine

*****

Christine,

Yes, I did notice that waves of anger seemed to be coming off of the parchment. Please forgive me if you find the same coming off of this letter. What right do have to know what happens during my transformations? It seems that when you left, you forfeited any right to ask questions about that. I tried just avoiding the question, but obviously you didn't get the point. I still care about you a great deal, but you left me. That's really all there is to it. If you ever decide to come back, then we'll talk about my transformations. Until then, it's a closed subject. Also, it might not be such a good idea to write so often. I'm not so sure I want to hear from you right now. Please, understand that I still love you and care for you, but I am royally pissed off at you. 

Remus

*****

I stare at that last letter from him and I'm absolutely dumbstruck. I won't write him back. If he wants to know about how I 'm doing, then he can just go ahead and write me, but I won't be the first one to write. Jackass. God, how can I love someone so much and hate him at the same time? 

I left him. I left him and I should feel terrible about that. I do, sort of. Right now, all I feel is tired. Like I want to go to sleep and wake up in about twenty years.

I left him, but I'm not really gone. It's like we're looking at each other across a lake. We can see each other clearly and all we have to do is swim across to get to the other person. I could go back right now. But if I did, it wouldn't be for very long. No, he's right, we just can't have any contact with each other for a very long while. At least not until we decide to grow up and move past this. I have a feeling that's going to take a while. 


End file.
